The right of your child is that you should know that he is from you and will be ascribed to you, through both his good and his evil, in the immediate affairs of this world. You are responsible for what has been entrusted to you, such as educating him in good conduct (ḥusn al-adab), pointing him in the direction of his Lord, and helping him to obey Him. So act toward him with the action of one who knows that he will be rewarded for good doing toward him and punished for evildoing.
–Imām ʿAlī as-Sajjād,
Zaynul ʿĀbidīn (ʿa), Treatise On Rights
How does one respond when they feel that their teenager is pulling away from them? It’s tempting to get angry, lash out, or set strict limits on their personal freedom. But your children need understanding and a sense of safety if they’re going to turn to you during their times of difficulty.
First, one needs to ask oneself, “Why is my child shutting down?” Your teenager needs and innately seeks safe adult guidance, so their shutting down is a warning sign that something has gone terribly wrong for them not to turn to you. Maybe you overstepped your boundaries as a parent. Or, perhaps they want to navigate their transition into adulthood on their own and are struggling to do so. The first step in mending your relationship with them is the willingness to take accountability for any part you may have played in the situation. Accountability signals a willingness to commit to the relationship and a maturity to prioritize it above being right. Remember: you are the adult in this situation, and they aren’t. You are the one with the power in this relationship, even if you may not feel that way. The ball is in your court.
Try to rebuild a relationship with your teenager. Spend time with them recreationally and regularly. This important bonding process helps build up trust between the two of you. You can go on a hike together, play sports, paint, write, train, garden- anything you like. Just make sure they like it, too. During this time, avoid mentioning school, deen, areas where you think they’re falling short, or any trigger topics. You can address them separately. Kids need you to provide them with stability, a sense of normalcy, clear, moderate, unchanging boundaries, respect, trust, and love and affection. By reinforcing your relationship with your child and leading by example, they’ll naturally open up to you more easily. Imām aṣ-Ṣādiq (ʿa) said: “Call to people by means other than your tongue, so that people see piety, diligence, prayer, and goodness from you, for this is the correct way to (inspire) motivation.”
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When talking to your children, make sure they feel respected and that their concerns are taken seriously. Don’t make fun of them, even in jest. Don’t backbite them, or use them as a bad example to others. Validate them when they get things right. Acknowledge their efforts. Remind them that their efforts now have an exponential payoff in the future, and congratulate them on the good they’re doing. If they feel that you see, appreciate, and respect them, they will be more willing to work with you.
It’s important to remember that you don’t have to win every battle. It’s understandably tempting to tell your child that they have to do everything ḥalāl and refrain from every ḥarām (for example, no listening to music, or making them pray). However, you likely aren’t going to win that battle anyway. No one wants to feel coerced or micromanaged, including your teenager, and you only run the risk of pushing them further away. Islam didn’t ban drinking alcohol all at once. It happened in stages. First, the rule was not to show up to ṣalāh drunk. Then, when that was normalized, no drinking. Similarly, you can’t cannonball your children from 0 to 100. As you build your relationship with them, address your concerns in gentle steps. It is important to support their deen, but it’s also a decision they will have to make themselves, of their own free will. The fastest, safest way to get them to that point is by building them up in your expectations.
Early Soviet psychologist Lev Vygotsky proposed the concept of the zone of proximal development (Z.P.D.). It refers to the empty space one can immediately occupy in growth, figuratively speaking. A five-year-old could become a world-renowned playwright someday, but first, she needs to learn her ABC’s. Playwriting is not in her zone of proximal development, but her ABC’s are. Similarly, your child leaping to the height of society’s expectations is likely not within their zone of proximal development, but doing their homework, refraining from major ḥarām, or spending quality family time, all would be. Start with these easy steps and add only when they’ve become accustomed to it. The following illustrates this point beautifully:
The Messenger of Allah (ṣ) said: “May Allah bless him who helps his child in doing good.” Someone asked: “How can he help him in obedience?” He (ṣ) said: “That he accepts as little as the child can do, he forgives whatever he cannot do, he does not overburden him and does not ask him to do things too hard for him…”2
If you feel that your teen is experiencing a severe emotional response, consider appropriate measures such as counseling or medical intervention in crisis situations. There are many family counselors, both inside and outside of the Muslim community. If you need help, Al-Kisa Foundation has a resource for you here.
Allah (swt) is ar-Raḥmān ar-Rahīm– the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful. He never gives up on us, and we should never despair of His mercy. In following His example, don’t give up on your child. Make duʿāʾ, take gentle steps, and hold out hope for your relationship with your teenager. Know that one of the most powerful supplications, is one that a parent makes for their child. May Allah (swt) grant you peace and taqwā in this endeavor.
Fatima Fawaz is an Arab-American writer, reader, and lifelong learner. She grew up after the turn of the century in an Arabic-English bilingual Muslim household with a Lebanese father and American convert mother, before moving to Lebanon for several years to pursue higher education. There in Lebanon, she obtained a bachelor’s degree in Psychology from the Lebanese American University. Due to her unique experiences, Fawaz developed a deep insight into what it means to be Muslim in America and growing up Muslim in the West.