وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ
We have enjoined man concerning his parents: His mother carried him through weakness upon weakness, and his weaning takes two years. Give thanks to Me and to your parents. To Me is the return.
Sūrah Luqmān (31), Verse 14
These verses in the Noble Qurʾān show us the great status of mothers in their families. And the Noble Prophet (ṣ) has said, “Heaven lies beneath the feet of mothers.”
Motherhood is a great responsibility, and a woman gives of her physical self for the nourishment and protection of her child.
This biological connection between mother and child has led to this idea of her as sole carer and teacher. Is a father only a breadwinner or is there more required of him?
There is added pressure on women due to the widespread presence of “mom influencers” on social media.
Motherhood has become an image competition, a social divider, and a badge of honor for all of the wrong reasons.
But what is motherhood really about, what is its purpose? And what are the rights of a woman as a mother not just from her children but from her husband and other family members?
Expectations: A Source of Grief and Destruction
When we talk about expectation as being destructive, we mean unrealistic and lofty expectations, expectations that are never satiated.
Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) has said: There is no end to expectations.
What this means is that as our expectations are met, we will always want more. People seek out a bigger house, a better school, a higher paying job.
The Noble Prophet (ṣ) has said: What I fear the most for my nation is following their selfish desires, and having high hopes. Selfish desires will make you deviate from the right path, and having high hopes will make you forget the Hereafter.
Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) said: Expectation drives reason away, breaks promises, encourages oblivion, and brings about grief. So distrust expectation, for it is deceitful, and its addict is a sinner.
Expectations make us over-promise when in fact, we cannot guarantee anything, only Allah (swt) can do this. It makes us lose touch with the ultimate reality.
Unrealistic expectations deceive us by always keeping us chasing their fulfillment and distracting us from the true purpose of life and the finite nature of life.
Expectations and demands upon mothers from a worldly point of view diminish the sacred and beautiful nature of the institution of motherhood. It is time for us to change our view of mothers and motherhood.
First, let us understand the issues at hand.
Tackling Social Expectations
A mother is expected to devote herself fully to her children and household. And her work must also be satisfactory to the people around her.
Mothers are measured by their children’s dress, academics, speech, and self-regulation. Their behavior should not disturb the people around them. Even an infant wailing or a special needs child stimming is seen as a total failure on the mother’s part.
In the end, expectations that are placed on mothers from all sides are about how well the fruits of their labor please others rather than Allah (swt)
A mother then inadvertently loses opportunities to devote herself to Allah (swt) both as a mother and as an individual.
Her God-given role as a nurturer, protector, teacher, and friend of her children is meant to be part of her worship. And her work is meant to bring forth the next generation of devoted worshippers of Allah (swt).
Imām Jaʿfar aṣ-Ṣādiq (ʿa) said: The one who attaches his heart to the world has attached his heart to three things, endless worry, false expectation, and an unattainable hope.
The divine challenge and test of motherhood is not easy but it should be a fulfilling struggle. Yet societal expectations have made motherhood a lonely, heartbreaking, and thankless role.
Many mothers also have extra pressure from their families to meet societal expectations rather than support and understanding.
Tackling Familial Expectations
Many women, once they are married, face the first expectation from their parents and parents-in-law: grandchildren.
Many a woman has been pressured into having a child for the happiness of her parents and her husband’s parents.
But, it is ascribed to the Noble Prophet (ṣ) that he said:
What prevents the believer from getting married? Perhaps God will grant him a child who will fill the earth with, ‘There is no god but God.
The Noble Prophet (ṣ) also said: Add to the numbers of your children, because I, on the Day of Judgment, will feel honored about the greatness of your numbers over the other Ummahs.
While it is good to try to please one’s parents since we can never repay them for what they did for us, everything must be done for the sake of Allah (swt) and the guidance of the Ahlul Bayt (ʿa).
Previously we mention the ḥadīth that says: Expectation drives reason away, breaks promises, encourages oblivion, and brings about grief.
By having children to meet others’ expectations and without understanding your true role and purpose as a mother under God, you can be overtaken by grief and lose your reason. This may manifest as depression or anxiety. Or you may see a decrease in spirituality and feeling connected to Allah (swt).
This is not fair to mothers. Families need to remember that they are an institute of religion, not merely a social entity vying for its place in the world. You can recover from not having the perfect home or your child failing to get into Harvard. On the last day, you cannot make up for having worldly intentions (niyyah) in everything you did.
A husband may have many expectations for his wife as far as how he wants his children to be raised and how he wants a house to be run right down to what to cook.
The Noble Prophet (ṣ) said: The believer eats according to the desire of his family, while the hypocrite makes his family eat according to his own desires.
Society and families think that because the man is the head of the household, he is within his right to issue his demands and have them met. But here we see from our Noble Prophet (ṣ) that this is not entirely the case.
Yes, a man needs the home to be a place of peace and comfort, but if his expectations are too high or never-ending, then everyone will have a difficult time.
The Noble Prophet (ṣ) said: Man is the guardian of his family, and every guardian has responsibilities towards those under his guardianship.
The Noble Prophet (ṣ) also said: The more one becomes faithful the more one expresses kindness to his spouse.
Imām Jaʿfar aṣ-Ṣādiq (ʿa) said: One of the characteristics of the prophets of Allah is that they are all kind towards their wives.
It is written in the Noble Qurʾān
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
And of His signs is that He created for you mates from your own selves that you may take comfort in them, and He ordained affection and mercy between you. There are indeed signs in that for a people who reflect. Noble Qurʾān,
Sūrah ar-Rūm (30), Verse 21
A man gets comfort from the mother of his children but she too needs comfort from him. Both mother and father need to have mercy and affection in order to have a peaceful and successful home.
Furthermore, Allah (swt) prompts man and woman to reflect on the nature of this relationship. The relationship of a husband and wife. This relationship comes before the relationship of mother and child. Because a woman’s life companion and spiritual equal is her husband.
A mother gets tired, a mother gets lonely, a mother suffers aches and pains, and the expectations of family and society are a cruelty upon her shoulders. Allah (swt) decides what her duties are, and He has also ordained duties of a man to the mother of his children and duties of society to women.
Redefine Expectations of Motherhood: From the Lens of a Loving God
Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) said:
Once, the messenger of Allah (swt) visited us while Fāṭimah was near the cooking pot and I was picking out lentils. He said, ‘O Abul Hasan, listen to what I say, and I do not say except from my Lord. Every man, who helps his wife in her house, Allah will write for him as much as the hairs on his body (the reward of) worship of a year; fasting during the day and worshiping all night, and Allah will give him like the reward of the patient and the righteous.
While this beautiful example from Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) focuses on the blessings a man gets from helping his wife, there is a lesson here for how we should view motherhood.
The work we do in this world in any role should be a form of worship, which means that our goals and choices should be for the sake of Allah (swt).
The institution of motherhood is defined by Allah (swt), and we cannot make it more difficult with worldly and unrealistic expectations.
A great and never-ending lesson to be learned from the best of mothers, Sayyidah Fāṭimah az-Zahrāʾ (ʿa), is that in every domestic and worldly hardship, she recited a portion of this verse from the Noble Qurʾān
وَمَا أُوتِيتُمْ مِنْ شَيْءٍ فَمَتَاعُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا وَزِينَتُهَا ۚ وَمَا عِنْدَ اللَّهِ خَيْرٌ وَأَبْقَىٰ ۚ أَفَلَا تَعْقِلُونَ
Whatever things you have been given are only the wares of the life of this world and its glitter, and what is with Allah is better and more lasting. Will you not exercise your reason?
Noble Qurʾān, Sūrah al-Qaṣaṣ (28), Verse 60
Once again, we see that all that we do in this world, while important, is meaningless if we lose sight of Allah (swt) and the final destination. And the thing to help us get there is to use reason.
Reason and intellect are what keep us from being overtaken by vain desires and loft goals that are void of Allah (swt).
The best way forward for mothers, families, and society, is to return to Allah (swt) in this life so that we are ready for the ultimate return. Raising children is not the work of this life, it is the work of the next life. You are growing the numbers that will be with Noble Prophet (ṣ) on the last day, inshāʾAllāh
It is important to remember that a mother who is serene, calm, and healthy makes a home that is stable and more likely to succeed in the next life. Rather than have an endless list of things that need to be done and goals to be met, you can be a successful mother while cultivating simplicity.
And if you wish for more, seek it from Allah (swt) not from other than Allah (swt). Other than Allah (swt) includes how much faith a mother or anyone, places in their own ability.
Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) said: Place all your hope in Allah, glory be to Him, and do not hope from anyone else apart from Him, for no sooner does anyone place his hope in anyone other than Allah than he fails.
Remember that Allah (swt) does allow us to plan and have dreams and work towards things and learn and grow, but ultimately, He is the best of planners.
Look no further than the story of how Prophet Moses (ʿa) was returned to his mother and also saved from being killed by Pharaoh. She did not want to lose her baby, but she obeyed Allah’s command and trusted Him. In the end, her baby quickly came back to her, and she was paid for caring for him! Indeed, Allah (swt) is the best of planners and the true Provider for us! Subḥānallāh!
So let us worry more about our responsibilities to and trust in Allah (swt) in all of our roles rather than burdening mothers and others with our expectations, demands, and worldly goals, inshāʾAllāh.
References:
- Noble Qurʾān, Sūrah al-Aḥqāf (46), Verse 15
- Ibid., Sūrah Luqmān (31), Verse 14
- Mustadrak al-Wasāʾil , V. 2, P. 38 (Ibrahim Amini, Principles of Upbringing Children, Chapter 1: The Parents Responsibility)
- Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #1038
- https://www.al-islam.org/media/vain-and-useless-desires-thought-week-23
- Mishkāt al-Anwār fī Ghurar al-Akhbār, Ḥadīth #1454
- Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #1046
- Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #4517
- Wasāʾil ash-Shīʿah, Vol. 20, P.14 (Al-Maaref Islamic Cultural Association, Woman’s Value and Role, Lesson 7: Marriage -1)
- Wasāʾil ash-Shīʿah, Vol. 15, P. 96 (Ibrahim Amini, Principles Of Marriage & Family Ethics, Part 1: The Duties of Women)
- Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #1310
- Mustadrak al-Wasāʾil, Vol. 2, P. 550
- Biḥār al-Anwār, Vol. 103, P 228
- Biḥār al-Anwār, Vol. 103, P. 236
- Noble Qurʾān, Sūrah ar-Rūm (30), Verse 21
- Biḥār al-Anwār, Vol.101 P.132, (Baqir Sharif al-Qurashi, The Life of Fāṭimah Az-Zahrāʾ, The Principal of all Women: Study and Analysis, The Marriage of Fāṭimah with Imām ʿAlī, The House Affairs)
- Noble Qurʾān, Sūrah al-Qaṣaṣ (28), Verse 60
- https://www.al-islam.org/media/challenges-motherhood-troublesome-world
- Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #1706
- Noble Qurʾān, Sūrah al-Anfāl (8), Verse 30
- Abolfazl Sabouri, Noble Words, Ch. 61. Moses’ Mother