How Do I Engage in Active Listening?
In the first blog, I discussed the importance of active listening and how our marriages often suffer when we feel unheard. Active listening is a skill many of us were never taught, but one that can transform a marriage when practiced with sincerity. In this second part, I will outline concrete ways to become a more active listener. Of course, this works best when both partners are engaged; however, if your partner is not ready to recognize the importance of this, or perhaps just doesn’t think it is an issue, it may seem easier just to chalk all of this up to “this is just how it is, why bother” or “Sabr.” This is understandable, but remember that for any change to occur, we have to be willing to put in the work, and it is almost impossible to change others; our objective should first be: how do I change myself, or what is my role/responsibility in all of this?
Often, when communication breaks down in a marriage, spouses may feel powerless, disconnected, or as though they are simply moving through the relationship rather than actively shaping it. It can become easy to focus solely on what the other person is or is not doing, especially if attempts at communication have been met with resistance over time. However, healthy change in a marriage often begins with one person making a sincere intention to improve how they communicate and listen. I often ask my patients, “Are you going to be the leaf or the river?” A leaf simply goes wherever the river carries it, while the river actively shapes its course and direction. Even if your spouse is resistant at first, you can still begin modeling healthier communication and active listening in the relationship.
Our faith has already laid the foundation for how we are meant to treat one another with mercy, attentiveness, patience, and dignity. It is up to us to strive to embody those teachings in our daily interactions. Based on both Islamic teachings and modern research, here are some ways we can become more active and compassionate listeners within our marriages.
Be Fully Present
Prophet Muḥammad (ṣ) physically turned toward the speaker, teaching us the importance of presence.1 When we put away our phones and turn off our computers, TV, etc., and give our spouse our full attention, we signal one of the most important parts of active listening: I want to hear what you have to say; your words matter, you matter. You are letting your spouse know that their words and feelings are important. Wouldn’t you want the same from them? If you are unable to give them your attention, it is okay to let them know; after all, life happens. Try saying:
- “I want to hear this/I know this is important, but right now, I have to…; can we talk in 30 min (1 hour, tonight, etc.). It is essential that you specify a time and then stick to it.
Examples of being fully present:
- Eye contact (this may fluctuate based on cultural values and norms; some cultures consider it disrespectful, as a couple you decide how you want to approach this)
- Putting distractions away; this includes not being distracted by children, friends, and family
- Giving full attention
Research suggests that calm, attentive listening and emotionally responsive communication can reduce emotional distress and strengthen feelings of safety and connection within relationships (Kuo et al., 2022; Kuhn et al., 2018).
Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
Prophet Muḥammad (ṣ) did not interrupt or rush to respond. He listened fully. Now modern-day research shows that feeling understood, validated, and cared for by one’s partner is strongly associated with emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction (Reis et al., 2004).
Try the following:
- Let our spouse finish speaking. Ignore the urge to jump in and give your spouse the respect that we all deserve, and let them finish speaking, even if you don’t agree with what they are saying.
- Pause before responding; try taking a deep breath, asking Allah (swt) for wisdom, counting to 10, or just closing your eyes for a bit and giving yourself a moment before you respond.
- Focus on understanding, not correcting. When we are angry or upset, we often are not listening to what the other person is saying; instead, we focus on how the narrative is incorrect and try to form a response/defense, or excuse.
This approach also aligns with the wisdom of Imām ʿAlī (ʿa), who said, “As intellect increases, speech decreases.” 2
Reflect Back What You Hear
Instead of forming a quick response, try reflection, which helps your spouse feel seen and heard. Reflection is literally identifying what you heard.
Examples:
- “It sounds like you felt overwhelmed (or name another emotion you may be hearing).”
- “What I hear you saying is…”
Don’t be afraid to identify the incorrect feeling or be slightly inaccurate in what you say. This is not about perfection; it is about attention! Of course, this only applies if you are in the ballpark, which, if you are listening, will happen! Perhaps you identify your spouse as feeling sad, but they were actually angry; this opens the door for them to say, “No, I’m not sad, I’m angry,” or name another emotion. It is also appropriate to indicate that you are not sure, but are willing to hear and try. So it is ok to say:
- “It sounds like you felt overwhelmed, or tell me, was it something else?”
- “What I hear you saying is, but let me know if I misunderstood…”
These may feel awkward at first, but with practice they become more natural and can help create a greater sense of emotional safety, openness, and trust between spouses. True understanding often requires speaking less and listening more. Studies on responsive listening in long-married couples suggest that attentive listening and reflective responses help foster emotional closeness and marital satisfaction (Pasupathi et al., 1999)
Validate Emotions
This one may be extra challenging; we often fall into the trap of believing that validation means agreement. It doesn’t; it just means I acknowledge and hear what you are saying. It requires us to understand that there may be multiple truths. We often respond defensively, immediately point out how our partner has misunderstood the situation, justify our own actions, or, worse, completely negate what they are saying. It is very tempting and understandable to put our case out there, especially if we feel we are being wronged in some manner, but remember, active listening requires us to listen attentively to the other person and allow them to feel heard. The time for explanations, etc. comes after your spouse has been properly heard. It may also feel safer to just apologize. Apologies are essential in communication; however, just saying, “Sorry” without truly understanding what the other person is experiencing is superficial and does not help build communication and trust in our relationship.
Examples of how we often react when we are not actively listening:
- “That’s not what I said.”
- “I didn’t mean that.”
- “You’re imagining things.”
- “That’s not really relevant.”
- “You shouldn’t feel like that.”
Examples of how we validate our spouse:
- “I can see why that would hurt.”
- “That makes sense.”
- “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
- “I did not think of this from your perspective.”
- “That sounds like it was very difficult for you.”
Research suggests that emotional validation can reduce distress and strengthen emotional connection, while repeated invalidation may increase emotional withdrawal and dysregulation (Kuo et al., 2022).
Resist the Urge to Fix Everything
This one can also be tough, especially for husbands, but not every conversation requires a solution, and your spouse may just want/need:
- Understanding
- Empathy
- Presence
Active listening isn’t about solutions; it is about the process of hearing. Solutions can come later, but first one needs to hear and understand what the other person is saying. Emotional support and responsive listening have been shown to strengthen relationship satisfaction and emotional intimacy, particularly when individuals feel understood by their spouse (Reis et al., 2004; Kuhn et al., 2018).
Build Emotional Safety Over Time
For active listening to become part of our daily life and part of healthy communication, it requires consistency and practice. Perhaps we have fallen into patterns of tuning out the other person, or worse, perhaps we don’t want to put in the effort it takes to build our marriages back up, and marriage, like anything worth having, requires work! However, we can remind ourselves that consistent listening leads to significant areas of growth in our relationship through:
- Greater trust
- Stronger attachment
- Reduced conflict
Research suggests that consistent emotional responsiveness and attentive listening contribute to greater emotional security and closeness within long-term relationships (Pasupathi et al., 1999; Reis et al., 2004). Additionally, communication skills training has also been associated with improvements in marital satisfaction and reductions in emotional burnout among married couples (Jafari et al., 2021).
A Final Reflection
Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) said: “Three things bring about love: good character, good companionship, and humility.”3
The relationship between a husband and wife is one of the most sacred relationships that Allah (swt) has created, but we need to remind ourselves that it is more than fulfilling roles; it is about building a partnership over a lifetime in every aspect of our lives, whether it is raising a family, growing spiritually, or working towards financial success. As partners, we must remember that nurturing each other’s hearts is our responsibility, and it requires active listening.
If Prophet Muḥammad (ṣ) turned fully toward those who spoke, and if the Ahlul Bayt (ʿa) taught us to expand our emotional capacity, then we must ask ourselves:
When my spouse speaks, am I truly listening?
Sometimes, the path back to connection does not begin with major change, but with something much simpler.
References
Jafari, A., Gholami, M., Khosravi, A., & Shamsaei, F. (2021). The impact of effective communication skills training on marital burnout among married women. BMC Women’s Health, 21, Article 231. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12905-021-01372-4
Kuhn, R., Bradbury, T. N., Nussbeck, F. W., & Bodenmann, G. (2018). Lending an ear to the partner during dyadic coping conversations: A prospective study of attentive listening in couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(6), 762–772. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000421
Kuo, J. R., Fitzpatrick, S., Ip, J., & Uliaszek, A. A. (2022). The who and what of validation: An experimental examination of validation and invalidation of specific emotions and the moderating effect of emotion dysregulation. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 9, Article 15. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-022-00185-x
Pasupathi, M., Carstensen, L. L., Levenson, R. W., & Gottman, J. M. (1999). Responsive listening in long-married couples: A psycholinguistic perspective. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 23(2), 173–193.
Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. In D. J. Mashek & A. Aron (Eds.), Handbook of closeness and intimacy (pp. 201–225). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
- According to Imām Jaʿfar aṣ-Ṣādiq (ʿa), “He (Prophet Muḥammad) would turn his full body toward the one speaking to him and listen until they finished.” [Al-Kāfī, Vol. 2]
↩︎ - Nahj al-Balāghah, Saying #71. ↩︎
- Āmidī, ʿAbdul Wāḥid, Ghurar Al-Ḥikam, Ḥadīth #10363 ↩︎