How do we help toddlers regulate their big emotions?

بِسْمِ الله الرَّحمَن الرَّحِيم

Prophet Muḥammad (ṣ) said: Honor your children and raise them well and you will be forgiven.”

Dear Parent, 

First, I want to start by normalizing that a toddler will have big emotions. Their brains are still developing, and at this stage of life, the little things that don’t seem like a big deal to us are actually really huge for them (yes, even peeled bananas).

According to psychologist Erik Erikson, toddlers are in the developmental stage called Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt. They are seeking independence: walking, making choices, exploring. With that comes strong opinions and big emotions, and that’s completely normal. In fact, it’s encouraged. At this stage, children are learning to be confident in their independence, make decisions, feel comfortable with themselves, and process their emotions.

As parents, this can be hard because more autonomy means more falls, spills, and messes, but just like they need to fall to learn to walk, these moments will help build a more confident child, inshāʾAllāh.

That being said, there will be tantrums, pushing boundaries, and big, difficult emotions. You, as the parent, play a significant role in helping your child learn to regulate. Remember, there is no self-regulation without first experiencing co-regulation.

Our brains have something called mirror neurons. These are special brain cells that activate both when we do something and when we see someone else do it. In children, mirror neurons are key to learning, empathy, and emotional growth. When you smile at your child, their mirror neurons light up as if they’re smiling too. Through this mirroring process, children learn by imitation, develop empathy, and strengthen emotional regulation by observing how parents and caregivers manage their own feelings.

That’s why co-regulation is so important. You are the key to helping your child manage those big emotions. When you stay calm while your child is upset, they feel safe, and over time, they learn to regulate by watching you.

Co-regulation:It starts with you. Take care of your own emotional health and avoid reacting impulsively. Ask yourself: How do I manage my emotions in a healthy way? If you are reactive and dysregulated, your children will pick up on that.

Next, build a strong foundation. Make sure your relationship with your child is warm and loving so that when big emotions show up, there’s already a base of safety and connection. Daily moments of connection: playing together, bedtime conversations, and warm 20-second hugs go a long way.

Finally, make sure there’s structure. A series of research studies was done from the 1950s to the 1970s, where researchers observed playgrounds: some were fenced, some were not. In playgrounds without fences, children stayed close to the structure or the teacher. In playgrounds with fences, they explored the entire space, ran freely, and played more confidently. Clear boundaries and routines give children the same sense of security. Some important structures include consistent routines for bedtime, meals, hygiene, and play.

Now that you’ve built this foundation, what do you do in the moment when the tantrums occur?  (because yes, they still will)

 

1. Check in with yourself. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that this is normal. Your child isn’t being “bad”—they’re struggling with something big for their little body.

1. Get down to their level. Come close, place a gentle hand on their shoulder, or offer a hug (and if they refuse, that’s okay too).

1. Validate their feelings. This doesn’t mean you are agreeing to their demands; it means helping them feel understood. For example, if your child is upset because you said no to a toy, you can say, “I know you really wanted that toy. That feels disappointing.” Validation tells them you understand, even if the answer is still no.

1. Avoid logic in the heat of the moment. When a child is dysregulated, their logical brain is “offline.” Saying “You already have too many toys” or “Stop crying” won’t work. First comes regulation, then logic.

1. Guide them toward calming strategies. Once they begin to settle, you can offer simple regulation tools like:
   

    

   • “Let’s take deep breaths—pretend we have a cup of hot cocoa. Smell the cocoa, then blow it to cool it down.”
   • “Do you want a hug or to wrap up in your blanket?” or any other kind of physical pressure, sometimes massaging their legs or arms can be helpful too.
   • “Do you want to stomp your feet or do some jumping jacks?”

1. Reflect later, when calm. After the storm passes, talk about what happened:

   “I noticed you got upset when I said no to getting the toy. We can’t always buy toys, but how about next time we take a picture and remember it for Eid or your birthday?”This gives your child a sense of control and a plan for next time.

You can also practice regulation strategies together when calm: different kinds of breathing, mindfulness exercises, or even blowing bubbles. 

Parents, toddlerhood is a transition filled with big emotions. The most important part of helping your child through it is you. Your calm presence, consistent connection, and steady routines are what help your little one learn to navigate their emotions with confidence and trust. 

Answered by

Laila Khan, AMFT

This Dear Kisa segment is a collaborative effort of Kisa Family and Kisa Therapy Clinic. We aim to provide you with research-backed content, vetted by our team of scholars and certified psychotherapists.