يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنْفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ لَا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُونَ
“O you who have faith! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel will be people and stones, over which are [assigned] severe and mighty angels, who do not disobey whatever Allah commands them and carry out what they are commanded.”1
وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا ۖ لَا نَسْأَلُكَ رِزْقًا ۖ نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُكَ ۗ وَالْعَاقِبَةُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ
“And bid your family to prayer and be steadfast in maintaining it. We do not ask any provision of you: it is We who provide for you, and to Godwariness belongs the ultimate outcome [in the Hereafter].”2
Fatherhood is a great responsibility and a great blessing. As demonstrated by the above verses, fathers are charged with raising their families to follow the path of Allah (swt).
The Noble Prophet (ṣ) has said: “Man is the guardian of his family, 3 and every guardian has responsibilities towards those under his guardianship.”
It is essential to a man’s role as a guardian of the home and as a father that he shows love, affection, friendship, and respect to his wife.
Imām aṣ-Ṣādiq (ʿa)has said: “Whoever is our friend, expresses his kindness to his spouse more.”4
How you treat your wife is the example your children will follow in how they treat others and expect to be treated. Their ability to communicate and solve problems will be influenced by how you get along with your spouse.
The guardian of the home, along with his duties to his wife, has responsibilities to his children.
Imām ʿAlī (ʿa)said: “…the right of the child on the father is that he should give him a beautiful name, give him good training and teach him the Qurʾān”. 5
The Noble Prophet (ṣ) said: “O ʿAlī (ʿa)! It is the right of the child upon the father to teach him etiquette and assign for him a proper place.” 6
This pertains to both daughters and sons. A father must provide his children with a good foundation for success in the Hereafter and skills to navigate this life.
Many fathers leave the work of parenting solely on the shoulders of the mother. A father cannot be a true walī or guardian if he does not actively guide and train his children.
Men limit themselves to the role of provider and are often physically or mentally absent from the home affairs. 7
At most fathers serve as disciplinarians who mothers “threaten” the children with if they do not listen to her. Then, the children rush to obey out of fear of their father.
Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) said, “The people’s expectation of your kindness is better than their fear of your retribution.”8
Imām ar-Riḍā (ʿa) said, “A man cannot be a worshipper until he is clement.”9
Imām aṣ-Ṣādiq (ʿa) said, “Love [of Allah] is better than fear [of Him].”10
We talk much about the importance of fearing Allah (swt), and we extend this mindset to fathers and how children should see them.
But as mentioned by Imām aṣ-Ṣādiq (ʿa), love of Allah (swt) is better. Fear should motivate us to be watchful, but love motivates us to do better and be better people.
Children are also better motivated to obey their parents when they love both mother and father and feel safe with them. Children can learn correct ways and good deeds:
- Through the stimulation of the intellect and expanding the knowledge
- Through seeing the example of their parents and elders
- Through exploring their environment and testing their limits
- Through observation of consistent practices and traditions
A father must primarily protect his children from wrong things and bad ways. Just as Allah (swt) has given man a vast universe, make the boundaries wide for your child but clearly defined.
It is important to distinguish between punishment and discipline. Punishment and fear curdle a child’s spirit. They grow up afraid and hesitant and unable to trust their own judgment in life.11
Discipline relies on the use of the intellect. We are designed to seek out the truth, correct choices, and the path of Allah (swt) through our intellect.
Imām Mūsā al-Kāẓim (ʿa) has said, “Verily Allah has two authoritative proofs over people: a manifest proof and an inward proof. The manifest proof is represented by the prophets and messengers and Imāms (ʿa), and the inward proof is represented by the intellects.”12
A great responsibility a father has to his children is showing them affection and keeping his promises to them.
The Prophet said: “Love your children and be kind and merciful to them. Fulfill your promises made to them since children consider their father to be the one who provides for their sustenance.”13
This will lift their self-esteem and show them they can always count on their father! While fathers are not Superman, they certainly have a great position in their children’s eyes.
To end, we will cover five tips on how to raise your sons and five tips on how to raise your daughters. Be mindful of not favoring your sons over your daughters.
We will start with daughters first since Allah (swt) and the Ahlul Bayt (ʿa) have emphasized the special attention due to daughters.14
Tips for Fathers on How to Parent Their Daughters!
1. Raise your daughters to be courageous and steadfast!
We often think of courage as being a trait for men and boys. But your daughters are capable of being courageous and resolute, as well! And faith requires true courage.
Think of Ḥaḍrat Maryam and how she had to take the fatherless baby before the people. Remember that the first martyr of Islam was Ḥaḍrat Sumayyah. Consider how strong Ḥaḍrat Khadījah was for the Noble Prophet (ṣ) in the early days of Islam. Think of Sayyidah Zaynab bint ʿAlī (ʿa) in Karbalāʾ in the court of Yazīd. And, of course, Sayyidah Fāṭimah az-Zahrāʾ (ʿa), who taught us how to support and defend the Imāmate!
2. Raise your daughters to be intellectual and well-spoken!
Sayyidah Fāṭimah az-Zahrāʾ (ʿa) was a woman of great intellect and eloquence. She was able to articulate her case for Fadak and put her oppressors to shame with her words alone. Her daughter Sayyidah Zaynab bint ʿAlī (ʿa) was like her mother in this regard and was able to speak up without faltering in the court of Yazīd.
Society often limits female interests and pursuits mainly to domestic matters . Allah (swt) has given women and girls the capacity to learn and do great things. Your daughters can do their part in the mission of Islam if you engage them in intellectual pursuits and the ability to defend Islam with words!
3. Raise your daughters to be adventurous and play sports with them
Girls love sports and other outdoor activities that can help them stay healthy and expand their interests. Playing sports and doing yard work with them can be a great way to bond with your daughters. Daughters feel confident just by having a close bond and good relationship with their dads.
Help your girls be comfortable with sports and things like hiking and exploring nature. Enjoy the fresh air and have a picnic. Teach them how to be prepared for outdoor emergencies and how to plan trips carefully so they don’t get lost.
4. Raise your daughters to be serene and content with what Allah (swt) gives them
The Noble Prophet (ṣ) has said, “To whomsoever a daughter is born should strive to impart norms of good behavior to her and make efforts to educate her. Provide means of comfort to her that she becomes a cause of his deliverance from the Hell Fire.”15
If you are a source of comfort and compassion to your daughter, she will become your means of salvation in the Hereafter. Many fathers are hard on their daughters and put an overzealous emphasis on her haya or modesty. When a father treats his daughter with dignity and respect, she will feel more serene and assured by you rather than feelings of resentment and rebellion.
5. Raise your daughters to be involved in charitable and religious organizations
Daughters are some of the most willing helpers. They can be some of the best helpers in the Ummah! Don’t be afraid of putting your daughter in volunteering roles at the masjid or charity organizations.
With little ones, you can start small. Give them cash and let them put it in the donation box at the masjid or even in secular places with donation boxes, such as grocery stores or hospitals. Teach your daughters about the charity of Sayyidah Fāṭimah az-Zahrāʾ (ʿa) and all of the Ahlul Bayt (ʿa). Show her that she can make a difference!
Tips for Fathers on How to Parent Their Son!
1. Raise your sons to be modest and observe the male ḥijāb!
Fathers often put a lot of emphasis on modesty and ḥijāb for their daughters, but boys are not necessarily trained in this regard. But it has been recommended by our religious scholars (ʿulamāʾ) that men be covered as women should not look at non-maḥram men’s bodies.16
It is not enough to ask women to cover themselves and to lower their gaze. Men must also do their part to uphold the culture of ḥijāb, modesty, and propriety. Boys in mainstream schools in the West often become flirtatious or too comfortable around girls if parents do not raise them to be reserved and modest in their conduct.
Our sons need to understand that they cannot have “flings” in their youth surrounded by girls who are not dictated by Islamic rules. The correct rules of engagement out in the world still apply whether you are surrounded by your fellow Muslims or not. Your sons must maintain their honor and be of morally upright character so that they may become good husbands and God-conscious members of society, inshāʾAllāh!
2. Raise your sons to clean up after themselves and help around the house!
One of our greatest ʿulamāʾ could not bring himself to have his wife or daughters clean up after him. He would not even ask for water to be given to him or ask his wife to shut the door when she entered the room. He would take care of these things himself!17
Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) would help Sayyidah Fāṭimah az-Zahrāʾ (ʿa) with things like husking lentils18, bringing in water and wood, and sweeping the house.19
The Noble Prophet (ṣ) was known to sweep the floor of his house, make bread, and milk the sheep.20
The men of our dear Ahlul Bayt (ʿa) did not see housework as being for the girls and women only. Set this example for your sons by helping your wife and children with chores and being eager to do so. Your sons should be self-sufficient in household chores. If they move out for college, they should be able to cook and do laundry rather than have their mother arrange everything for them.
Have one day a week or month where you and your sons do the cooking and set the table, and their mother and sisters get to be treated to a nice meal. It will be a joyful exercise in teamwork and caring for others, InshāʾAllāh!
3. Raise your sons to be affectionate, gentle, kind, and warm souls!
The Noble Prophet (ṣ) has said, “Kiss your children. There is an elevation in your rank in Paradise as a reward for each kiss. Each raise in rank is as much as five hundred years.”21
Imām ʿAlī (ʿa), “Kissing the child is mercy… Kissing parents is worship, and kissing one’s believing brethren is religion.”22
We often save affection and cuddles for daughters. But affection and warm embraces are part of the akhlāq of our Ahlul Bayt (ʿa). Think of the love and affection Imām Ḥusayn (ʿa) had for his sons, Imām Zaynul ʿĀbidīn (ʿa), ʿAlī al-Akbar, and ʿAlī al-Aṣghar.
We know how much love and warmth Imām Ḥusayn (ʿa) showed to his daughter and sister! But he also embraced his sons, nephews, and brothers! Raising your sons with affection and gentility will not make them weak; it will keep their hearts warm and permeable to goodness.
Imām Mūsā al-Kāẓim (ʿa) said, ‘Affection towards people is half of intellect.”23
Imām ʿAli (‘ʿa) said, “One whose soul is noble, his affection [and compassion] increases.”24
4. Raise your sons to be fair and hard-working leaders inside and outside the home
In many cultures in both the East and the West, the idea of leadership in the home is for men to issue their demands and be served. This creates a disconnect as men and boys are oblivious to the details of what goes on in the lives of women and girls. They don’t perceive the challenges and difficulties in meeting those demands.
A father should demonstrate teamwork and consultation as part of leadership. Think of The Noble Prophet (ṣ). He visited the woman who threw garbage on him when she fell ill. He built Masjid an-Nabawī with his own hands, and as we discussed earlier, he never looked down on doing chores.
In the Noble Qurʾān, it is recounted that the Noble Prophet (ṣ) consulted with the people25; he did not just give his instruction, although he could have done that. Lead through action and example and a listening ear so that your sons learn to do the same.
5. Raise your sons to be knowledgeable in religion and science
Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) said, “There are four categories of sciences: juristic science for religions, medicine for physical bodies, grammar for language, and astronomy for knowledge of the ages.”26
And the Noble Prophet (ṣ) has said, “Knowledge is too great to be encompassed, so take the best from each thing.”27
All youth are required to know fiqh or religious law before they are of age.28 Many people do not have knowledge of necessary religious laws or have an incorrect understanding of jurisprudence (fiqh). But these rulings guide us on the correct way of life.
Your sons will grow up to be the guardians of their homes, and like you, they will be charged with taking their families to a good Hereafter. Knowledge of religion is necessary for this. Often, mothers are handed this responsibility, but fathers are the walī and must also help fulfill this duty.
Your sons should pursue knowledge in sciences and put it to good use. The sciences have been in the hands of those who seek wealth and power. But in preparation for the return of Imām Mahdī (ʿaj), our boys should become men of knowledge, InshāʾAllāh.
There is much that can be said about fathers. You are the leaders of today in your homes and in your communities. It is fathers who have the greatest ability to instill courage, wisdom, faith, and self-esteem in their sons and daughters. We pray this has been an enlightening and encouraging message to you all. May Allah (swt) guide you, increase your strength and courage, and fill your hearts with compassion and mercy.
Taqabbalallāhu minnā wa minkum
May Allah (swt) accept from us and from you.
Footnotes:
- Noble Qurʾān, Sūrah at-Taḥrīm (66), Verse 6
↩︎ - Noble Qurʾān, Sūrah Ṭāhā (20), Verse 132
↩︎ - Mustadrak al-Wasāʾil, Vol. 2, P. 550, as cited in Ibrahim Amini, Principles Of Marriage & Family Ethics, Part 2: The Duties of Men
↩︎ - Biḥār al-Anwār, Vol.103, P. 227, as cited in Ibrahim Amini, Principles Of Marriage & Family Ethics, Part 2: The Duties of Men
↩︎ - Nahj al-Balāghah, Ḥadīth #399
↩︎ - Man lā Yaḥḍuruhu al-Faqīh, Vol. 4, P. 372, as cited in Association of Imām Mahdī (ʿaj), Parent-Child Relationship, Well-Being And Training
↩︎ - Ibrahim Amini, Principles Of Marriage & Family Ethics, Part 2: The Duties of Men
↩︎ - Ghurar al-Ḥikam, Ḥadīth #1945
↩︎ - Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #636; Al-Kāfī, Vol. 2, P.111, Ḥadīth #1
↩︎ - Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #2496
↩︎ - Ibrahim Amini, Principles of Upbringing Children, Chapter 38: Fear & Chapter 74: Physical Punishment
↩︎ - Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #1986; Al-Kāfī, Vol. 1, P. 16, Ḥadīth #12
↩︎ - Makārim al-Akhlāq, P. 219, as cited in A Divine Perspective on Rights, Right N. 24: The Right of the Child
↩︎ - Abolfazl Sabouri, Family Interaction, Parental Responsibility, Start With the Daughter
↩︎ - Majmaʿ al-Zawāʾid, Vol. 8, P. 158, vol. 8, p. 158, as cited in Abolfazl Sabouri, Family Interaction, Parental Responsibility
↩︎ - Saleem Bhimji, Islamic ‘Hijab’ For Men
↩︎ - Foundation of the Representation of the Office of Spiritual Leadership in Universities, Rays of the Sun, 83 Stories from the Life of Imam Khomeini (ra), Imam and Home Life
↩︎ - Baqir Sharif al-Qurashi, The Life of Fatimah Az-Zahra’, The Principal of all Women: Study and Analysis, The Marriage of Fatimah with Imam Ali
↩︎ - Sayyid Muhammad Husayn Fadlallah, Fatimah al-Ma’sumah (a): a role model for men and women, Chapter 3: The Role Model
↩︎ - Husayn Mazaheri, Islamic Family-life Ethics, The Twelfth Talk
↩︎ - Makārim al-Akhlāq, P. 219 and P. 220, as cited in A Divine Perspective on Rights, Right N. 24: The Right of the Child
↩︎ - Makārim al-Akhlāq, P. 219 and P. 220, as cited in A Divine Perspective on Rights, Right N. 24: The Right of the Child
↩︎ - Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #3952
↩︎ - Ghurar al-Ḥikam, Ḥadīth #10039
↩︎ - Noble Qurʾān, Sūrah Āl ʿImrān (3), Verse 159
↩︎ - Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #2291
↩︎ - Mīzān al-Ḥikmah, Ḥadīth #2289
↩︎ - Ali Akbar Fayd Mishkini, Obligations and Prohibitions in Islamic Divine Law, Part 2, Chapter 1: Learning Religious Knowledge
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