“And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, that you may find tranquility (sakīnah) in them; and He placed between you affection (mawaddah) and mercy (raḥmah). Indeed, in that are signs for a people who reflect.”
— Noble Qurʾān, Sūrah ar-Rūm (30), Verse 21
For most of us, our wedding day is a time filled with nervousness, but also excitement and hope for the future. The idea is that we are joining with the person whom Allah (swt) in His infinite wisdom has provided as our life partner, our support, our friend, and our safe space. Those early days are filled with wonder, romance, and the promise of a bond that can only occur between a husband and a wife. Yet as time passes, the spark that is ignited at the beginning fades, and it is often completely extinguished by the noise of the world we live in. Jobs, families, finances, and a host of other factors lead to marriages filled with arguments, hurt feelings, anger, and, perhaps most damaging, silence. When couples stop authentically communicating, marriages start to crumble.
This post is for all of us who feel unheard. It applies to both husbands and wives, but in my experience, I often encounter more women who are struggling to have their voices heard and have sometimes lost the will to even try. Unfortunately, this issue is not as uncommon as we would hope; in fact, I do not know any couple that has not faced this at some point or other in their marriage (including in my own!). This is certainly a very intense topic, and one blog post is not enough; however, my hope is that by reading this, you will realize that you are not alone. I also hope that spouses can reflect on what their individual role has been in this shift rather than placing blame on their spouse.
Marriage is deeply valued in our communities, and the idea of commitment, sacrifice, and endurance are qualities that are often praised, especially in women. A spouse is meant to be one who listens and expands their heart to support and strengthen the other’s emotional world. Yet within these same marriages, many women (and sometimes men) quietly carry the weight of something rarely named: a feeling of not being heard in our everyday moments. Thoughts dismissed as complaints and emotions minimized. Oftentimes, words are met with solutions, silence, or authority rather than understanding. Over time, this absence of being truly listened to can lead to isolation, emotional distance, and a quiet erosion of the marital bond, especially for women in long-term marriages who may have spent years prioritizing children, elders, and household stability, often at the cost of their own emotional voice.
Our beloved Prophet Muḥammad (ṣ) led our Ummah through his actions. According to Imām Jaʿfar aṣ-Ṣādiq (ʿa), “He would turn his full body toward the one speaking to him and listen until they finished.”1
Modeling attention, presence, and emotional responsiveness.
When we give someone our full presence and withhold interruption (even when we are trying to be helpful), it signals to our partner that our words matter and that we want to hear what they have to say. This is active listening, not just passive hearing. This is one of the ways to communicate to your spouse, “You matter!”Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) said: “Whoever listens effectively reaps its benefits immediately.” 2
Prophet Muḥammad’s relationship with his daughter, Bībī Fāṭimah (ʿa), illustrates the importance he placed on her words, both publicly and privately. He stood when she entered the room, listened attentively to her concerns, and honored her words. Additionally, he listened to his wives, engaged in dialogue, and took their emotional states seriously. He did not dismiss feelings as “overreaction” nor silence them with authority. He was demonstrating that honoring a woman begins with listening to her and being heard is foundational to well-being. When a person feels listened to:
- Stress hormones decrease
- Emotional regulation improves
- Trust and attachment strengthen
- Feelings of safety and connection increase
On the other hand, chronic emotional invalidation, especially in marriage, can lead to:
- Emotional withdrawal
- Depression and anxiety
- Loneliness within the relationship
- Loss of intimacy
- Learned silence (“It’s not worth speaking anymore”)
Research on perceived partner responsiveness (Reis et al., 2018) shows that feeling understood and validated by a spouse is one of the strongest predictors of marital satisfaction, more than problem-solving or advice. Unfortunately, in many male-dominated cultures, women are expected to endure quietly. Over the years, this can lead to:
- Suppressing needs to “keep the peace”
- Feeling unseen despite loyalty and sacrifice
- Questioning one’s worth within the marriage
Islam does not ask women to disappear emotionally. Nor does it ask men to lead without compassion. Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) advised:
“Speak, and you will be known, for indeed a person is concealed under their tongue.” 3
A Moment of Reflection
If a wife no longer speaks, it is not because she has nothing to say, but often because she has learned she will not be heard. If Prophet Muḥammad (ṣ) turned his full body toward those who spoke to him and Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) taught us to expand our hearts, then it is imperative that we ask ourselves: When my spouse speaks, am I truly listening or do I just listen enough to form some response, any response, whether it is the response that my spouse needs? Remember, this is a unique relationship that Allah (swt), in His infinite mercy, has created for us. Are we truly honoring this gift and privilege that He has bestowed upon us? I ask each of you to reflect on how you are listening or not listening to your spouse. I also recommend that, if you feel you are not being heard, what would you like and expect from your partner in terms of listening. Just focus on this one aspect of active listening and don’t let yourself get bogged down by all the things you want to change, which can feel overwhelming and prevent us from making intentional, healthy changes. In the next post, I will share some tips on how to become a more “active listener.”
Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2018).
Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness in relationships. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 13(4), 471–489.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721418754452
Dr. Nazneen Askari holds a PhD in Curriculum & Instruction (Teacher Education and ECE Leadership) from Texas A&M University, a Master’s in Clinical Psychology, and is a Licensed Professional Counselor with over 20 years of experience in education and mental health leadership. She serves as a preschool administrator and works alongside Al-Kisa Foundation to support culturally grounded, faith-informed mental health and family systems within Muslim communities.